Are the selves that I follow only the dark ones?

Today, I continued to contemplate which idea of the self presented by “The Self We Live By” is worthy of writing a paper about.

Perhaps it’s naivety, but no matter how much I get confused while reading the TSWLB or while in class discussion, I seem to see merits in all of the concepts of what the self is, especially in those that represent “the dark side.” This makes me start to question, is the self that I live by dark and in despair? Am I attracted to the comfort provided by Whyte’s “organization man,” and will my self be torn away by the tyrant leading to conformity? Or, do I belong to Berger’s idea of what the self has become, subject solely to what others label me as? It seems that being a victim of labels is quite evident in my past. If it wasn’t for my family and friends labeling me as the smarty pants of the family, I don't think I would have chosen to go to college. Sure, I have the work ethic to succeed, but higher education was something I felt pushed into, not something I chose. Then again, is that to say that labeling is a bad thing all the time? After all, in a few months I will have a bachelor’s degree and the opportunity to possibly pursue medical school, optometry school, or another high ranking profession which will provide me with financial security, and hopefully a fulfilling career which I would not have had the ability to do without my degree. However, what if when I was in elementary school I had a learning disability that went undiagnosed and therefore struggled in all of my classes? I perhaps would have been labeled by my peers as being dumb or as a slacker. I probably would have lived up to expectations, barely made it through the rest of my school years, and associated with other kids who had been labeled in the same manner. Would my path still have led to Ann Arbor, or any college town for the matter? I think the unfortunate answer is probably not. Luckily, that was not the case.

Then again, perhaps I am not completely naïve but that in fact many of these theories of the self are true, but it is our age and maturity that determines which of them we follow. I recently applied to Teach for America (which is on my mind right now because I find out in fifteen minutes whether I made it onto stage 2...cross your fingers for me) despite comments from my friends and family such as “do you really want to teach” or “don’t you think that’s a waste of your potential?” Despite their comments, and the label “future money making machine” I feel has been stamped on my back, I have applied to this program because I want to make a difference in these kids’ lives and because I have always enjoyed explaining difficult concepts to confused students. It’s not that I don’t want to become a doctor; in fact, "become M.D." is still at the top of my future goals checklist. However, I want to take a break and pursue a life goal that was always mine and no one else’s. If I was still fully a victim to labeling as I was in high school, I don’t believe that I would have taken this step. But, just because I have moved away from one model of the self, that doesn’t mean that I may not adopt another self. Perhaps now that I have moved out of Berger’s idea of the self, I will move onto Hochschild’s self (or already have), further developing my “true” and “false” selves. In fact, after being prompted in class to discuss which self you are most intrigued by, it is Hochschild’s self which I wrote about. I wonder, if the false self is shaped by social expectations with the intent of catering to what people want, will I develop false selves that protect my true self in my future career as a teacher or doctor? I have always been quiet, but when I am at work I put forward a positive, eager, and boisterous disposition. Perhaps when I am working, my true self starts presenting a false self that does “emotion work,” so that my quiet self can be protected from others. This may be a defense mechanism; after all, if you don’t provide a cheery yet strong self to the patients, they will walk all over you. Then again, is the false self I present at work more closely related to my true self, or is it the quiet, reserved self that I present at school that more closely resembles my true self? Honestly, I don’t know.

Perhaps I am even getting Hochschild’s, Berger’s, and Whyte’s ideas completely wrong; I know that I was completely lost when I first read the second chapter of TSWLB, and still am a little confused about Cooley and Mead. Philosophy and English were never my strong points, which is perhaps why I stuck to what I am good at, math and science. Or, perhaps I stuck with science because, as mentioned earlier, I was living up to what other’s labeled me as, a good science and math student. In the end, I’m happy with where I am, and feel that if it is Hochschild's self that I am beginning to follow, at least I only project false selves in order to protect my true self, despite my inability to know who/what that is.